I mentioned before that God is trying to teach me selflessness. And I am almost convinced that God thinks that selflessness and sleeplessness are the same thing. Pax has yet again achieved to keep me up at night. I can’t believe it, but I was so tired I actually tried to go to bed at 9:30. I say tried, because as soon as I laid down in bed and started to get drowsy, the monitor lights started glaring and I heard him yell. Kids can be so frustrating sometimes. Blood boiling frustration at times. People who had kids long ago, easily forget what this time is actually like. I think it is a coping mechanism that our brains play on us to help us move on with our lives. But I was so frustrated at Pax, I could feel my already high blood pressure rising.
But then there is the paradox. Because after I fed him (he only ate one ounce out of a six ounce bottle) and rocked him, there came this one incredible moment of peace and calm. He had stopped crying, he was sitting on my lap, his face turned and buried between my chest and chin. I could feel him grabbing my thumb with both of his little hands. The small twitching movement that babies have would cause him to occasionally lose his grip. His breath became slower and his body became limp. At that moment I knew he was asleep, and I felt such a connection, such a bond. I just loved him so much I almost didn’t want to put him down, except that my own arms started twitching and my body was going limp.
The great paradox of parenthood. Frustrating and yet Amazing. Anger and Love. All in one night, see how moody I get without sleep!