30

I’ve been dreading my 30th birthday even since before I turned 29.

Everyone out there who is rolling their eyes and saying, “You think that’s old?” should stop, and try to remember what it was like when they were my age. Yes, I know there are numbers greater and larger than 30. Yes, I know that after I’m 30, that 40, 50, 70 and 100 will all seem like “old” as I hit them in stride. But that does not do anything to lessen the way I feel about thirty, now. That’s like if I smashed all the bones in my hand with a sledge hammer, and started screaming and then someone standing next to me, who got their arm cut off with a chain saw said, “You think that’s pain?” They are both pain. Please don’t ruin my screaming. (sorry for the grotesque analogy, it’s all I could think of at the moment)
A conversation at work got me thinking about this again. I quickly did an excel spreadsheet to see how old I will be when my kids turn 18. When Ella turns 18 I will be 45. When my youngest turns 21 and all my children are out of the house, I will be 50. And I will be 65 and retiring (hopefully) when Ella is 38. It seems weird to imagine myself at that age. Right now it’s still awkward when I address some adults who are older than me. Is it Mr. and Mrs. or is it just Ike, or Sarah?
Then, later that night I was reminded again of just how old I am getting. One of the teens from my church came over and we played Call of Duty on my Wii. He must have killed me 200 times by the time we were finished. My kills? 6. I grew up using joysticks (remember those?) and then progressed to the two button Nintendo controller. Yeah, old school. Now every finger has multiple buttons to push, there are two joysticks, and a lot of other things I don’t understand how to use. I had a great time running around in the game and getting blown up by a bazooka though (nice shot Daniel!)
Other than that, I can’t really tell you why I’m dreading it. I just am. I’m not at all excited about it, I don’t want to celebrate it. Erica already knows I don’t want a surprise birthday party or anything like that (so don’t come if she invites you…). It’s not for about a year still, but it’s on my mind today…
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