What do you do when you don’t feel like going to church?
I struggled with this Sunday afternoon. I was supposed to lead singing, but I didn’t feel like my heart was in the right place.
I just finished a hard conversation that left me hurting. At that moment I wasn’t blown away by God. I wasn’t inspired by His grace. Honestly, I was anxious and fuming. My heart and mind were flooding with emotions that ranged from doubt and confusion to anger and bitterness. Did I say the wrong things? Should I have stopped talking and just let it slide? I replay the entire conversation in my head and evaluate my responses.
Did I feel like going to church? Nothing in me wanted to go, I just wanted to get away and be by myself. But I couldn’t think straight so I went outside to engage in some manual labor and sort it all out in my head.
While chopping some firewood, Psalm 73:17 was in my head, “It was too painful for me – Until I went into the sanctuary of God;” I knew God could turn my night around. I just needed to go to His house instead of chilling at my own. I’ve heard it said, “When you don’t feel like going to church, that’s probably when you need to be there the most.” So I called and asked someone to fill in for leading singing and made sure I got to God’s house.
This time, singing the hymns wasn’t out of a heart overflowing with joy, as it’s usually said they should be. But I sang the words to remind myself of the great truths I needed to be real in my life. I sang out of a heart that wanted joy. I sang about God’s wisdom, justice and mercy. The theme through all the songs seemed to be contrasting His might and His mercy. Perfect in power, perfect in love. Only thou art holy…That one stung, since so much of what has been affecting me that afternoon was a whole lot of “holier than thou” from everyone involved, including myself.
My heart was on the mend. I set up a time to talk to my pastor. Hopefully, I can get things straightened out eventually. Some days, I feel like such a mess. But I’m glad I decided to go to church.
Now on top of tomorrow being a withdrawal Monday, and having to face my boss who is coming back from vacation to deal with all the problems I caused for him, I have this hanging over my head. Hate to say it on a Sunday night, but I can’t wait for the weekend!