Kicking Myself (And Being Kicked)

I had to call off of work today, my back hurt so bad.

Was it from running for the first time in a year?

Was it because I got the bikes down from storage in the garage?

Did pulling two kids in a bike trailer really do this to me?

I’ll never know, but somehow I found myself lying on the floor in the kitchen, the carpet fibers leaving an imprint on my face.

That’s when it hit me.  No not some amazing revelation about parenting, or an inspirational thought that got me through the day.  No, I mean I got hit.  Pax was literally kicking me while I was down.

I remember him sitting on my head and thinking that I wished I had the strength to put up a fight.  I was completely at his mercy. He was laughing his head off and rolling his toy truck on my back.

The TV was on a lot today.  I laid down on the couch a lot today.  The only thing I accomplished was a two minute game of Candyland and a half-hearted search for a princess phone.  The rest of the time I wished that my skin and clothes could turn the same color as the couch cushions so that no one would know I was there.

Even when my son came to me to cuddle, which is rare for this climber, I wasn’t into it.  Ella pointed to my shoulder and asked if it hurt.  Then she pointed to my other shoulder and asked again.  Finally she asked if my whole back hurt and then gave me a kiss to make the hurt go away.  But I still wouldn’t move to let her lay down next to me.

Of course, now I feel bad.  My back still hurts, and I’m up at 1:00AM, I’m not sure if it’s the pain, the coffee or the regret that’s keeping me awake.  All I know is tomorrow I can’t stay home again.

At bedtime, Ella asked if I was going to be home tomorrow and I told her no.  She told me that she thinks my back will still hurt tomorrow and I had to agree.  She even prayed that God would help my hurt go away.  She is so sweet sometimes, but it just adds to my sadness, because I think it means I must have really been a jerk today for her to be worried about it.

This post is an experiment in free writing, I didn’t really edit it, I just wrote what came to mind.  I don’t have a good way to end it, but I think that there really is no way to wrap up a day that had these kinds of feelings and emotions.  They sort of linger in the air until the next day comes.



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