Without Me. Without You.

My feet hurt.  That’s all I’m thinking about.  That and the fact that my knee is jammed against the back of the seat in front of me on this lousy train.  Today was harder than usual.  Every second seemed to drag and I feel like my performance was lackluster at best.  Can’t win ’em all I guess, right?

Feeling the way I do on my way to meet my wife and kids is bad.  They didn’t have any part of my day up until this point.  Something else that brings my mood down.  So what will go on inside my head between West Boulevard and Brookpark? How will I be able to walk down the stairs at the station and greet everyone with a smile and a kiss?  Somehow I have to put work behind me.  Get out of teaching mode and into learning mode.  My kids are always teaching me things about myself I need to change.  But if I’m in the kind of mood I am now, it will be pretty hard to swallow my pride and stay cool.

Only three more stops.  My feet still hurt and it’s really bringing me down.  I know I won’t want to drive home and immediately take care of them.  No, I want to kick my shoes off and pass out on the couch.  My energy level is like a .05 on a scale of 1 to 1,000.  I’m that with 1,000 being very energetic and 1 being as much energy as a rock.  I’m grateful I got a seat at least. Most days when I catch this train I’m standing right until the last stop.

Just got a text from my wife.  She’s already there waiting.  Now I know the transition will be immediate.  No mulling around the waiting area or standing by the air conditioner watching the semis and cars rushing by on their way home.  This is it.  My stop.  Time to forget about my day and start my night.  Cut the music.  Cue the smiles.

Except when I got to the car the kids weren’t inside.  It was just my wife.  I felt relieved.  I dropped her off at the rec center for her spinning class and headed home for an hour all to myself.  After she came home we got out our calendars and started planning the last of our summer activities and that’s when the relief started to fade. 

As we tried to figure out the dates we could do things, i was getting angry at my calendar.  All day meeting here.  Trips there.  Working late this week.  Can’t take that day off…

“Maybe go to the fair without me.”

“I’ll figure out a day to take off. I really want to go to the waterpark with all of you.”

I miss out on so much, yet here I was feeling relieved that I was home without them.

Three and a half hours after I had walked in the door the kids arrived just in time for me to brush their teeth and put them to bed.  I must have been tired because I fell asleep in my daughter’s room after reading, “Oh The Places You’ll Go”

Erica told me about how Ella laughed at the dog “smiling” at her, and how much she loves that Ella gets up and crawls into our bed with her in the mornings now.  I didn’t even know she did that? 

As I crawled into bed the blankets confounded me.  I was half asleep even though the PM light on my clock was still on, a rarity for a night owl like me.  I was tired, that’s for sure.  But I was also thinking about how much of my days are spent without them.  And how much of their life they spend without me. 

A little about this post: “Just Write” encourages you to do just that.  Sit down. Write.  Don’t over edit, describe what you are seeing, feeling, thinking at that moment.  Or something you saw, felt, thought earlier in the day.  Don’t worry about making a point, let your experiences speak for themselves and hopefully resonate with readers. 


11 Replies to “Without Me. Without You.”

  1. I love this! It describes my thoughts on my way home from work so many days. Your emotions versus your responsibilities…I always want to give my kids my all but some days I have nothing left when I get home. Anyway, thanks for sharing.


      1. No problem. Even anonymous comments are welcome. 🙂 you’re right I do want to give them my all, but after work is just not always a good time. Maybe I should work second shift:)


  2. I think that the “Just Write” principle works really well for you here. Did you feel better after you wrote it? I try to write this way too, it feels more authentic. I really hear your relief at having a bit of time ‘home alone’ sometimes we really just need the space.


  3. I think it is a common tension among parents: heading home from work and just wanting some time to unwind while feeling bad for all the time you spend away from your kids; I know it is a common source of tension in my head.

    Thanks for sharing. 🙂 Some times the thoughts that just flow from brain to keys is exactly what someone else needs to hear/read.


    1. And sometimes typing it out helps me process that tension. I don’t always feel it but that day I was so relieved. And then I was also overwhelmed with all the things I couldn’t do with my kids it just all boiled over.


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