Thoughts at Midnight

It’s 12:23 a.m. as I sit down to write this post.  I wish there was something prophetic about that number, something that would tell me how the story ends, turns out it’s just a number.  What it does represent is how exhausted I am lately.  I’ve been going through a lot. I’m learning a lot about life, and love, all while unlearning some of the things I thought I knew.  Life is complicated right now.  So extremely complicated.  It keeps me up at night.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t think because I’m thinking too much (if that makes any sense).

I’ve thought about giving up this blogging thing completely.  I’ve been less than inspired to write.  I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a novel though, but I’ll never do it.  I’m not brave enough.  I think of writing sometimes as an act of courage because there is so much you could say, but so much you stop yourself from saying.  It takes someone who is really brave to write what’s on their mind without self editing.

Needless to say, this Christmas isn’t feeling too much like Christmas.  I can’t explain it no matter how many times I try to analyze it.  I’m good at over analyzing things.

But I’m not good at a lot of other things.  This is something I’ve really been wrestling with lately.  I’m not happy with who I am.  Yet I don’t know who I want to be.  Does that make sense?  So much of what I write, I wonder if there is anyone out there who is really reading this at all… Have you ever felt that way?  What did you do about it?

In fact, I know I’m a failure.  One thing I’m learning about love right now is that Love always does what’s best for the other person, even when it’s hard.  This I fail at every single day.  I’m so selfish.  I wish I could change.

Welcome to my mind at midnight.  These are the things that keep me up at night.  These are some of the thoughts that chase me like my shadow as I jog through the park.  Not even a starry sky can make these disappear.   Is time the answer?  I hope so.  But I’ve also had other wounds, previous hurts that I thought were healed, reopen.  I don’t know what to think about it.  I don’t know how to even respond.

Tell me, readers, that you can relate.


One Reply to “Thoughts at Midnight”

  1. Those feelings, and add a dash of change in career, and you have me as well. We all go through this. What I’ve learned: Realizing that love is what’s best for the ones you love IS love, and the opposite of failure.

    Write the novel. Start with a half hour a day, three days a week. Shift to a half hour every day. Then an hour every day. And remember the most important thing: In any writing, “good” is the “enemy” of done. It’s how I completed my dissertation.

    Hang in there, and keep writing. I’ve followed some; you’re a great dad. There’s nothing–nothing–more important.


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